Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
