UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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