i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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