so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
