Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
