I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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