It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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