I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
