i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
