he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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