I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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