Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
