the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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