I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just gift wrapped bread.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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