glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
