The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
