so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
