I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
