Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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