I think my vagina is haunted
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
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You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
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I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero