Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.