____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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