i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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