I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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