I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
They took my balls.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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