the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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