my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
