Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
