I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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