all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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