i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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