I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
