Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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