i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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