I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
