my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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