I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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