life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
