May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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