you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
