At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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