She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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