my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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