I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
