Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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