Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
