I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
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New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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