I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
