Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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