I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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