she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
