i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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