life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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