WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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