I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
