Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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