So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
