I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
