I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
