so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My cat gives me a boner
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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