I seem to have left my pride at pride
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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