I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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