Will you blow on my dice?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
