We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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