sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
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I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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